Nightmares

Tired. That's what I feel today. I went out last night, to a friends birthday party. There was alcohol and some drugs there. I had a few drinks, but didn't have any of the weed. I tried it once but although I felt relaxed I had these weird hallucinations, where I thought the world was squeezing me, crushing me. I remember lying down on the floor and feeling the floor sinking, the world swallowing me up. I was terrified. It was a horrible experience.

But tired. Emotionally tired and physically tired. Alcohol brings with it sometimes more problems. Namely a hangover. But I have problems at home too.

I am quite a happy person really but my mum drinks herself into oblivion every night, leaving me to look after my brother, Aaron. He is a great kid, but sometimes it can get a bit much. 

Like 2 nights ago. 

I'd put Aaron to bed at around 9 30. I came back down stairs to find mum babbling to herself and crying. Like really crying. Rocking back and forth crying. I did, as I have always done: Hugged her. Comforted her. 

Then she begins telling me these stories about her past. (she often does this) but these stories were different and she seemed scared, she was mumbling but I think she was telling me about her brother, who used to hit her. It was horrible. She cried a lot. Then she made me close all the windows and doors and double lock the front door. I don't know why she was scared, but it kinda made me scared too...I think she thought that Uncle Brian was coming to get her. 

I don't know what to do any more. I  made sure mum got to bed and had a little cry myself before falling asleep on the sofa. Aaron had a nightmare too at some point and came and found me. He's been having more and more recently. I'm slightly worried. But I shushed him and took him back to bed before crawling into my own bed, letting the cascades of sleep wash over me. 

Friday I went to school. It was shit. 

Then last night I went out, as I've already said. I got in at 3. Aaron had ANOTHER nightmare last night. 

Is it normal for kids of 11 to have nightmares a lot?

I feel sometimes though as if I'm the parent, the adult in my family. I have to be strong all the time. Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and let the world tear itself to pieces. 

I don't even know if its worth writing about these problems. I dunno even if they are problems. Maybe I am just a moaning kid, who thinks the world is out to get him. 

Meh. 

Felix x