Naja, ich gebe zu: Ich bin schwul

Well, I'm 15 and I'm out. 

For me, I never really expected to come out. To be brutally honest, It never really hit me that I was "gay." I think I have always been gay. I've never looked at girls really. Even when I was really little, I always to hold my friend, John's hand and never any of the girls hands...

But my "coming out," happened in year 8, when I was 12. 

There was this boy and he was gorgeous. He had joined our school from somewhere else, Rugby School maybe? I dunno. Well, I became slightly...erm, what's the word: 

Obsessed? 

Besotted? 

Love-Sick? 

All of the above, actually. He looked a bit like Jeremy Sumpter - tje blonde one from Peter Pan and unfortunately for me, I fell head over heels for him. 

He had this really nice voice and wicked dark eyes. He played hockey, which was good because I also played hockey, sweeper...defence, for those who don't know the game. He was a goalie, so we would chat during matches and things. Gradually we became quite good friends. His name is Ethan.

I really don't know whether he ever noticed me looking at him funny, but maybe. I'm not exactly camp, well I can be sometimes but not like some people are. I would sometimes go round to his house after hockey practice and play on his Xbox 360, I even stayed over a few times and I am sure he never thought I was gay. 

Haha the only bad thing about spending so much time with him, was that I was completely IN LURRVE. I thought about him all the time, I even wrote about him sometimes, in the journal I keep by my bed. Lol, looking back now it was really silly and cringe worthy   

"I really like Ethan. He is so lovely and funny and sweet. I just wanna kiss him..." <---- taken from my journal...the abridged version.  **Blushes** You get the idea. 

ANYWAY...As we moved into February, everyone was thinking about St. Valentine's Day - the day of <3 love. So was I. I had decided that I would tell Ethan about my feelings for him and I knew, deep down that he had the same feelings for me. :S How naive I was. 

I had had it all planned for weeks. 

I wrote him a little note, asking him to come and meet me for lunch and put it in his locker. *sigh* I know. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. But that was mistake number 1. Apparently boys don't leave other boys notes, inviting them to lunch - I hadn't got the memo. 

He came, though and whether or not he suspected anything - he didn't say.

We chatted for a bit, sitting on the field and ate our lunch. Then steeling myself, I moved my hand onto his and he looked at me quizzically. Plucking up more courage than I have ever used before, I said,

"I love you." Then I kissed him. Right on the lips. Looking back now, it was completely stupid. The whole thing. So cheesy and I did bring it on myself. Idiot...

But he was not a happy and didn't share my feelings. Now I know, he is actually quite homophobic. He pushed me off, shouting "What you doin'? Fucking queer!" Then he stood up to leave, and I grabbed his arm, trying to explain. It had all gone wrong. I was scared. 

Lol, and then the worst bit:  He punched me. Punched me right in the face. I was shocked and really hurt, not to mention embarassed. :( 

He looked at me, me clutching my poor lip and ran off. I don't know whether he told people or if people had seen, but it spread through the year really quickly.

I just sat there on the field, crying, blood running down my chin. Hmmm...bad times. After that, everyone knew that I was the "Queer" -  the one to be avoided. There are some really big twats at my school and they still call me names and pester me. 

Ethan really wasn't that nice, dunno what I ever saw in him?! I was amazed at how bad people can treat you. We never really patched up our friendship. We are amicable now and still play hockey together, but there is a wall that can't be broken down between us now. I put up with a lot of name calling but I am a believer in, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Haha but they sure get close. The only thing is that I kinda accept it. I accept me now.  

Stupid Ethan, being so damn attractive. Causing me so much grief. Who knew a single kiss could prove to be so much trouble!! 

Anyway. That is the brief story of me coming out. 

I think the last word should go to the boy, my Ethan (HA!) looked so much like: 

Peace out,

Felix