The Boy #3.2 - The Kiss

Sorry for the delay between posts, I have had a crazy week (will post about that later) but here is the rest of what happened on Monday of this week with Mattie <3

Where had we got to? Oh yeah...lol we were pretending that we went to Eton. :P It must've been around like 8.30 - 9 at this point so we went and watched Glee. Aaron is not really a fan so went off to play on his Xbox or whatever, so it was just Mattie and I. 

We sat next to each other on the sofa, watching Glee (I have BARE love for Glee, literally wish that my school was like that, firstly more accepting but more so that people would just burst into camp songs like all the time!! - Alas don't think its gonna happen, although I can imagine Ethan wearing lycra for some reason - LOL) So we were just sitting there, and I was building up courage. He could've sat in one of the small arm chairs we have in our sitting room, but he sat really close to me on the sofa. 

I decided (about half way through Glee) that I would try something, that if it went tits up I could pretend it was a joke:

I pretended to yawn and raised my arms (in that classic move) and put them round his shoulders. He looked at me -- my heart pounding -- and smiled, leaning in to rest his head on my shoulder!! OMG it was just perfect. We sat like that for a long time, me casually stroking his back ^_^ 

We then had a conversation that went like this (more or less) 

M: Hey Felix? 

F: Yeah? 

M: You know you like boys...

F: Yeah....

M: Well have you ever kissed one? 

F: Erm, once. But that kinda ended badly. Do you remember me telling you about Ethan? 

M: Oh. Yeah. I remember. 

F: Why do you ask? 

M: I dunno, just wondered that's all. 

F: (deffo interested now!!) Oh right. Hehe, have you ever kissed a boy....or a girl, for that matter? 

M: Yeah I've kissed some girls, never kissed a boy though. 

F: Oh right. 

--

Then there was this silence for what seemed like ETERNITY - was probably only about two minutes or so. But I was debating what to do. I mean the way that Mattie was talking and the fact that I still had my arm around him and he seemed to be snuggling right up <3 kinda gave me the encouragement that I needed.

I nudged him gently, and he looked up at me and then possible the most amazing thing ever happened. 

I kissed him. 

And he kissed me back!!! 

It wasn't like a full make out session, but it wasn't just a peck on the lips either! It was a proper kiss. My first proper kiss with a boy, and it was with Matthew. I am still in shock. Lol, don't wanna sound clichéd but I definitely saw fireworks. 

F: Now you have kissed a boy....

M: Yeah, (he laughs) I guess I have (he properly hugged me then) Thanks Felix. 

F: Lol, what for? 

M: Just felt nice that's all.

I didn't want to push my luck or anything and not believing I just had my first kiss, we just sat there and cuddled for ages. Mattie actually fell asleep on me :/ Lol. He snored softly. **sigh** 

When mum got back at around 11 however, he had woken up and we were just chatting about school and things. He told me about the girl he had gone out with a few weeks before, but she was really boring and just wanted him to touch her O.O I know right?! Talk about being pressured into things. So apparently, he made some offhand comment about her being slightly on the chubby side, "fat thighs" I think was what he said and amazingly she dumped him. Lol, I never realised he had such a cheeky streak about him! 

Mum came home, absolutely wasted as per and it was really embarrassing actually because she only goes and CHUNDERS all over the kitchen floor before she could get to the toilet. URGH. I don't know how much she had been drinking, but obviously quite a lot - I think she and her friends must've started straight after work (5pm) and drunk for a good 5 hours solid before she came home - I still don't know whether she walked or was dropped off...amazingly she can't remember. 

ANYWAY.  I end up having to clear up her chunder, whilst Mattie bless him, offers to help and gets mum a glass of cold water and helps her into a chair in the dining room. Thankfully we have laminate floors otherwise it would have been a horrible job cleaning up her vom...

He is such a star, really, looking after mum and all that. Eventually when I have cleaned up and everything, we manage to get her up to bed, where I have to help her get into her nightie….talk about embarrassing.. I did sent Mattie away before he saw my mum in the nud….would’ve just been way too embarrassing. He seemed remarkably cool about it all. (lol, this is probs WAY too much information for you guys, but hey ho)

It was close to midnight now and I for one was very tired, so we got into our jammies and I got my sleeping bag out for him.

To be continued...

Stay tuned,

Felix <3 xxx

The Boy #3.1 - Beginnings

   Hi there everyone. Hope you are all ok :)
   [[[aside - so this post isn't HUGE I have split it into two parts]]]
   This post is all about the Boy (ie. Mattie). He came round to my house last night after school, so we could work on some lines together and so I could help him with some homework and stuff. We left school and took the bus home and laughed at all the....erm....eccentrics. There was this one guy who had those, "ear-stretching" disc things in his ears. YUK. They were horrible, his earlobes must have been at least triple the size. It was quite weird! Then there was this woman chatting loudly on her phone about her divorce...apparently the husband cheated on her with a floosy from his work! o.O I know right. Mattie and I just looked at each other and laughed!!
   We got back to my house and found Aaron playing Pokemon. Thankfully Mattie used to play Pokemon as well, so chatted to Aaron while I started the dinner. Lol, literally I am like a DOMESTIC GODDESS. We had pasta with wilted spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. *sigh* was so tasty.
   It was around 5:30 at this point (Mattie stayed after school for his singing rehersal/practice/thing) and mum still wasn't home.
   Mattie and Aaron hit it off right away and I found that they had moved on to playing Fifa on Aaron's Xbox - a game I am completely hopeless at. Anyhooo. After dinner Mattie and I spent some time learning lines. I'll admit now, that I couldn't really concentrate very much. He was so cute and kept smiling at me with such a cheeky grin I just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go *blush*
   I kinda wanted to talk about my feelings for him, but I didn't want to come on too strong / put him off forever / scare him...and after all that shit with Ethan, I am definitely more wary about showing my feelings for people, but Mattie is so sweet and obviously knows that I'm gay - how can you not at my school!? But I still didn't know whether he was straight / bi / gay / trans (well, not trans but you get the idea).So the fact that he always seems so comfortable around me kinda made me hopeful.
   Mum got in at 11pm (having been out with her friends - on a Monday?! Jeesh. She does my head in sometimes) Aaron bless him, had already done his homework before Mattie and I got home. I felt kinda bad for making him stay at home on his own for a bit, but he is 11 and I have made sure he knows how to look after himself and everything, so I wasn't worried. It was just the three of us in the house. Tres quiet.
   Mattie and I giggled together and chatted whilst I helped him with some homework - some Science, English and I tried to help with the maths but it was clear that he really didn't need my help - clever chap this Matthew!!
   Although he had forgotten to bring a hoodie or a cardigan to wear and my house can get a bit cold sometimes, especially since our boiler is...erm iffy to say the least. So he asked if he could borrow something. Lol, I got really excited and got him my favourite one. Hehe. He looked so nice in it. <3 It's one of those grey Jack Wills ones; it's like my baby - I got it for Christmas and it came in a proper box with a ribbon!!!! Very exciting present. <-- irrelevant but nice bit of trivia for you :-D
   Hehe...I kept inching my leg closer to his under the table, without him noticing until they were touching...I dunno sounds kinda stupid but my heart was pounding in my chest.
   And then possibly the best thing ever happened. Literally thought I had just died and gone to heaven.
He got a call on his mobile. It was his mum. Apparently, his sister had gone out to her boyfriends house and his mum and dad wanted to go to the pub (ya know, to have some "adult time"), but that meant that they would have a glass of wine and therefore couldn't drive. She was calling to see whether he wanted to come home then (at like 7) where he would be home alone, to which he said no, he was "having fun." So she suggested that, provided that it was ok with my mum (lol, as if she is the responsible one!) it was fine if Mattie wanted to stay the night....OMG I LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. If it had been a film, I would have fainted. :P Lol. Ok, maybe not but still I was very excited. Apparently he had all his stuff with him and I could lend him a shirt for school, so it was no biggy at all. I have a four season sleeping bag, which he could use - no problems there and within ten minutes it was all sorted. He was staying over. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Part of our conversation went like this...thought I'd share it because it was just so cute.

---

Mattie: Hey Felix, you sure that it's ok for me to stay?
Felix: Yeah sure thing! No problem. (in a pretend posh voice) We are very grateful that the young sir has chosen our fine establishment to stay in tonight....
Mattie: (in an equally false posh voice) Why thank you my good man. It is a pleasure to spend this evening with you.

---

Lol and then I think he blushed...I couldn't tell but I think he did. We then spent the next 10 minutes at least pretending we were from Eton. AND THEN he laughs at one of my terrible jokes (and it was terrible) so hard that he snorts! OMG. He seemed so embarrassed but it was so cute - I just wanted to pinch his cheek. 

He was just so easy to talk to.

We get on so well.

*sigh* 

TO BE CONTINUED....

Felix xxx

PS. I know I am going into quite a lot of detail but it just feels so good to write it down. It makes things seem more real to me. Sorry if these posts are really long or boring and don't really have a point to them. I just like writing. <3 

L'amour

You know when you fall into one of those deep, romantic, dreamy moods?.....well that's where I am right now...*sigh* I can't wait for Monday.

Also. Unfortunately I only caught bits of it...but the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST was on tonight. UK were...erm shit. :P Har Har. Never really been much of a Blue fan, if I'm honest.
Now, Moldova on the other hand! Wowza. Who knew garden gnomes could play instruments...or ride unicycles for that matter!? Seriously though....were they on drugs? I think it quite probable.
Well done Azerbaijan, though! They were good, although the lead singers were a bit flirty...hehe. Just goes to show that everyone loves a bit of romance.

Bacci,
Felix xxx

Woah...look at those apes! Oh wait. Those are teenage boys.

Hi blogosphere,
Just un aggiornamento from me, about my day. Well it was mostly alright thanks. We had our 5th Form leaving photo today, which was nice. Meant I spent especially long agonising over my hair this morning!! :P
Had German today :) Literally like my favourite subject. We have the best teacher. Her name is Mrs. Scott and I literally am in love with her. She also happens to be my form tutor and she has been the person I have gone to with my problems this last year. <3 Ich liebe dich, Frau Scott!!
Yeaah. Erm luckily my English teacher was away today, so I didn't have to make puppy dog eyes at him and because I always get into school quite early I managed to do finish my maths homework!
However. We had games today. That means hockey. :) woop usually great. But Ethan was in a foul mood today and decided that my very being offended him. I could tell he was talking about me. He kept flicking those gorgeous brown eyes over at me on the bus (jeesh, I'm still not over him) as we went off to our match. I didn't mind. He can talk :P I know deep down he is a right flamer!! He just hides it well,
Anyway. We gets back to school and begin changing. This is the DREADED time when people have a shower. Thankfully we don't have those communal showers but about 12 cubicles. So at least I can conceal my boner :P
However, apparently, Ethan had been plotting for a while and had decided to play a practical joke...and when I was heading into the shower, Ethan ran up behind me, and called over my shoulder,
"Watch out everyone. The little queer is coming. Guard your arseholes....you know what he wants to do.."
It obviously was the signal and everyone who was in the shower, grabbed their towels and left their cubicles quickly. They wouldn't meet my eyes.
I stood there totally shocked at what I was seeing. It wasn't as if I was even looking at them. All I wanted was to have my shower and go home. But no. Obviously this prank has been in the making for a while. I must hand it over to Ethan, who appeared to be the leader this time - he has good organisation skills! LOL.
He looked at me.
"Enjoy your shower, gay boy." He said and strutted off, flicking his annoying beautiful hair. I just couldn't believe what was happening. You may be reading thinking...nah that sort of thing never really happens. Yeah I thought the same until today. Bastards, the lot of them.
I was this close *mimes small amount* to crying. But I didn't...I was really proud. I did not cry...well maybe a little in the shower, but the water was running so it doesn't really count.
I finished my shower, taking my time. No one else dared come in for fear that I would rape them. Jeesh these boys are 15/6 for fuck's sake!!! I thought they had grown up a bit by now!!! JEESH. makes me so angry sometimes. GRRRR. Hopefully that was the last of Ehtan's little pranks for now. Don't think I have ever felt so bad about being gay. Sometimes it might be better off to be straight...at least then they would leave me alone......
SNAP OUT OF IT. Lol, sorry. Dunno why I even wrote that. Just ignore me...
Meh.
Yeah. So grandma picked me up and dropped me off at mums, where I am writing this. She isn't home yet and Aaron wants me to play some footie in the garden. So think I might go now.

Te amo,
Felix x

Naja, ich gebe zu: Ich bin schwul

Well, I'm 15 and I'm out. 

For me, I never really expected to come out. To be brutally honest, It never really hit me that I was "gay." I think I have always been gay. I've never looked at girls really. Even when I was really little, I always to hold my friend, John's hand and never any of the girls hands...

But my "coming out," happened in year 8, when I was 12. 

There was this boy and he was gorgeous. He had joined our school from somewhere else, Rugby School maybe? I dunno. Well, I became slightly...erm, what's the word: 

Obsessed? 

Besotted? 

Love-Sick? 

All of the above, actually. He looked a bit like Jeremy Sumpter - tje blonde one from Peter Pan and unfortunately for me, I fell head over heels for him. 

He had this really nice voice and wicked dark eyes. He played hockey, which was good because I also played hockey, sweeper...defence, for those who don't know the game. He was a goalie, so we would chat during matches and things. Gradually we became quite good friends. His name is Ethan.

I really don't know whether he ever noticed me looking at him funny, but maybe. I'm not exactly camp, well I can be sometimes but not like some people are. I would sometimes go round to his house after hockey practice and play on his Xbox 360, I even stayed over a few times and I am sure he never thought I was gay. 

Haha the only bad thing about spending so much time with him, was that I was completely IN LURRVE. I thought about him all the time, I even wrote about him sometimes, in the journal I keep by my bed. Lol, looking back now it was really silly and cringe worthy   

"I really like Ethan. He is so lovely and funny and sweet. I just wanna kiss him..." <---- taken from my journal...the abridged version.  **Blushes** You get the idea. 

ANYWAY...As we moved into February, everyone was thinking about St. Valentine's Day - the day of <3 love. So was I. I had decided that I would tell Ethan about my feelings for him and I knew, deep down that he had the same feelings for me. :S How naive I was. 

I had had it all planned for weeks. 

I wrote him a little note, asking him to come and meet me for lunch and put it in his locker. *sigh* I know. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. But that was mistake number 1. Apparently boys don't leave other boys notes, inviting them to lunch - I hadn't got the memo. 

He came, though and whether or not he suspected anything - he didn't say.

We chatted for a bit, sitting on the field and ate our lunch. Then steeling myself, I moved my hand onto his and he looked at me quizzically. Plucking up more courage than I have ever used before, I said,

"I love you." Then I kissed him. Right on the lips. Looking back now, it was completely stupid. The whole thing. So cheesy and I did bring it on myself. Idiot...

But he was not a happy and didn't share my feelings. Now I know, he is actually quite homophobic. He pushed me off, shouting "What you doin'? Fucking queer!" Then he stood up to leave, and I grabbed his arm, trying to explain. It had all gone wrong. I was scared. 

Lol, and then the worst bit:  He punched me. Punched me right in the face. I was shocked and really hurt, not to mention embarassed. :( 

He looked at me, me clutching my poor lip and ran off. I don't know whether he told people or if people had seen, but it spread through the year really quickly.

I just sat there on the field, crying, blood running down my chin. Hmmm...bad times. After that, everyone knew that I was the "Queer" -  the one to be avoided. There are some really big twats at my school and they still call me names and pester me. 

Ethan really wasn't that nice, dunno what I ever saw in him?! I was amazed at how bad people can treat you. We never really patched up our friendship. We are amicable now and still play hockey together, but there is a wall that can't be broken down between us now. I put up with a lot of name calling but I am a believer in, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Haha but they sure get close. The only thing is that I kinda accept it. I accept me now.  

Stupid Ethan, being so damn attractive. Causing me so much grief. Who knew a single kiss could prove to be so much trouble!! 

Anyway. That is the brief story of me coming out. 

I think the last word should go to the boy, my Ethan (HA!) looked so much like: 

Peace out,

Felix