"Does this mean I'm mental?"

As I in my previous but one post, I went to see a counselor yesterday. I suppose that's why I decided to post again after having not posted for ages.
Following what happened with mum, I have been really down and kinda lost interest in lots of things. I have been grumpy and lol sometimes I even annoy myself with how grumpy I am! Lol, i spoke to a teacher at school and she said it was probably a good idea to see someone and with what social services said. So off i popped yesterday. Auntie Julie took me, lol and we went for pizza afterwards as well.

The counselor's name is Anne and she was really nice and easy to talk to. We chatted about lots of things but mainly how i was feeling and how i feel with mum and everything.
Lol we played some game things (things to psychologically read my mind or something!!!! :S ) Lol but it turns out im suffering from some depression and a bit of anxiety :S not all the time. When im happy im alright, but when im down i get really down, she said it was a "coping mechanism" that i use to push everything down really deep and not look at it, so i can help mum and deal with her transferred pressure. But then when it comes to the surface its quite powerful. She said thats what happens sometimes. :S Something about suppression or something. Lol i think the stress of everything kinda got to me. :S But i feel ok today. Hopefully talking to her and working on some of the things she told me will help somewhat. I hope so. The good thing is she didnt think i needed medication, not yet at least. lol. It did ask her when she "diagnosed" me with being depressed, "Does this mean im mental?" and she just laughed and said that it was understandable after everything I've gone through, apparently. Lol. I liked her.

---

In other news....me and Mattie have been spending quite a lot of time together and although it turns out he is not actually gay, (i think he is bi) and we arn't really going out, we are becoming really really close. I <3 it. I've slept around his house as well and we kissed again lol. I don't even care about him becoming my boyfriend as long as I can spend time with him! :) 

Also I've been having GCSE exams over the past couple weeks as well. Urgh, they have gone quite well on the whole, but with all this stuff it has been hard to find time to properly revise. I have a maths one tomorrow. :S Oh god. Granted, I am quite good at maths, but i really can't be arseddddd to have to sit through a 2 hour paper, doing algebra and shit. Meh. Lol I'd rather just spend time with Mattie! :P 

Anyway. I think thats brought you guys up to whats been going on the past couple of weeks. 

Much love as always,

Felix xx

The Boy #3.2 - The Kiss

Sorry for the delay between posts, I have had a crazy week (will post about that later) but here is the rest of what happened on Monday of this week with Mattie <3

Where had we got to? Oh yeah...lol we were pretending that we went to Eton. :P It must've been around like 8.30 - 9 at this point so we went and watched Glee. Aaron is not really a fan so went off to play on his Xbox or whatever, so it was just Mattie and I. 

We sat next to each other on the sofa, watching Glee (I have BARE love for Glee, literally wish that my school was like that, firstly more accepting but more so that people would just burst into camp songs like all the time!! - Alas don't think its gonna happen, although I can imagine Ethan wearing lycra for some reason - LOL) So we were just sitting there, and I was building up courage. He could've sat in one of the small arm chairs we have in our sitting room, but he sat really close to me on the sofa. 

I decided (about half way through Glee) that I would try something, that if it went tits up I could pretend it was a joke:

I pretended to yawn and raised my arms (in that classic move) and put them round his shoulders. He looked at me -- my heart pounding -- and smiled, leaning in to rest his head on my shoulder!! OMG it was just perfect. We sat like that for a long time, me casually stroking his back ^_^ 

We then had a conversation that went like this (more or less) 

M: Hey Felix? 

F: Yeah? 

M: You know you like boys...

F: Yeah....

M: Well have you ever kissed one? 

F: Erm, once. But that kinda ended badly. Do you remember me telling you about Ethan? 

M: Oh. Yeah. I remember. 

F: Why do you ask? 

M: I dunno, just wondered that's all. 

F: (deffo interested now!!) Oh right. Hehe, have you ever kissed a boy....or a girl, for that matter? 

M: Yeah I've kissed some girls, never kissed a boy though. 

F: Oh right. 

--

Then there was this silence for what seemed like ETERNITY - was probably only about two minutes or so. But I was debating what to do. I mean the way that Mattie was talking and the fact that I still had my arm around him and he seemed to be snuggling right up <3 kinda gave me the encouragement that I needed.

I nudged him gently, and he looked up at me and then possible the most amazing thing ever happened. 

I kissed him. 

And he kissed me back!!! 

It wasn't like a full make out session, but it wasn't just a peck on the lips either! It was a proper kiss. My first proper kiss with a boy, and it was with Matthew. I am still in shock. Lol, don't wanna sound clichéd but I definitely saw fireworks. 

F: Now you have kissed a boy....

M: Yeah, (he laughs) I guess I have (he properly hugged me then) Thanks Felix. 

F: Lol, what for? 

M: Just felt nice that's all.

I didn't want to push my luck or anything and not believing I just had my first kiss, we just sat there and cuddled for ages. Mattie actually fell asleep on me :/ Lol. He snored softly. **sigh** 

When mum got back at around 11 however, he had woken up and we were just chatting about school and things. He told me about the girl he had gone out with a few weeks before, but she was really boring and just wanted him to touch her O.O I know right?! Talk about being pressured into things. So apparently, he made some offhand comment about her being slightly on the chubby side, "fat thighs" I think was what he said and amazingly she dumped him. Lol, I never realised he had such a cheeky streak about him! 

Mum came home, absolutely wasted as per and it was really embarrassing actually because she only goes and CHUNDERS all over the kitchen floor before she could get to the toilet. URGH. I don't know how much she had been drinking, but obviously quite a lot - I think she and her friends must've started straight after work (5pm) and drunk for a good 5 hours solid before she came home - I still don't know whether she walked or was dropped off...amazingly she can't remember. 

ANYWAY.  I end up having to clear up her chunder, whilst Mattie bless him, offers to help and gets mum a glass of cold water and helps her into a chair in the dining room. Thankfully we have laminate floors otherwise it would have been a horrible job cleaning up her vom...

He is such a star, really, looking after mum and all that. Eventually when I have cleaned up and everything, we manage to get her up to bed, where I have to help her get into her nightie….talk about embarrassing.. I did sent Mattie away before he saw my mum in the nud….would’ve just been way too embarrassing. He seemed remarkably cool about it all. (lol, this is probs WAY too much information for you guys, but hey ho)

It was close to midnight now and I for one was very tired, so we got into our jammies and I got my sleeping bag out for him.

To be continued...

Stay tuned,

Felix <3 xxx

The Boy #3.1 - Beginnings

   Hi there everyone. Hope you are all ok :)
   [[[aside - so this post isn't HUGE I have split it into two parts]]]
   This post is all about the Boy (ie. Mattie). He came round to my house last night after school, so we could work on some lines together and so I could help him with some homework and stuff. We left school and took the bus home and laughed at all the....erm....eccentrics. There was this one guy who had those, "ear-stretching" disc things in his ears. YUK. They were horrible, his earlobes must have been at least triple the size. It was quite weird! Then there was this woman chatting loudly on her phone about her divorce...apparently the husband cheated on her with a floosy from his work! o.O I know right. Mattie and I just looked at each other and laughed!!
   We got back to my house and found Aaron playing Pokemon. Thankfully Mattie used to play Pokemon as well, so chatted to Aaron while I started the dinner. Lol, literally I am like a DOMESTIC GODDESS. We had pasta with wilted spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. *sigh* was so tasty.
   It was around 5:30 at this point (Mattie stayed after school for his singing rehersal/practice/thing) and mum still wasn't home.
   Mattie and Aaron hit it off right away and I found that they had moved on to playing Fifa on Aaron's Xbox - a game I am completely hopeless at. Anyhooo. After dinner Mattie and I spent some time learning lines. I'll admit now, that I couldn't really concentrate very much. He was so cute and kept smiling at me with such a cheeky grin I just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go *blush*
   I kinda wanted to talk about my feelings for him, but I didn't want to come on too strong / put him off forever / scare him...and after all that shit with Ethan, I am definitely more wary about showing my feelings for people, but Mattie is so sweet and obviously knows that I'm gay - how can you not at my school!? But I still didn't know whether he was straight / bi / gay / trans (well, not trans but you get the idea).So the fact that he always seems so comfortable around me kinda made me hopeful.
   Mum got in at 11pm (having been out with her friends - on a Monday?! Jeesh. She does my head in sometimes) Aaron bless him, had already done his homework before Mattie and I got home. I felt kinda bad for making him stay at home on his own for a bit, but he is 11 and I have made sure he knows how to look after himself and everything, so I wasn't worried. It was just the three of us in the house. Tres quiet.
   Mattie and I giggled together and chatted whilst I helped him with some homework - some Science, English and I tried to help with the maths but it was clear that he really didn't need my help - clever chap this Matthew!!
   Although he had forgotten to bring a hoodie or a cardigan to wear and my house can get a bit cold sometimes, especially since our boiler is...erm iffy to say the least. So he asked if he could borrow something. Lol, I got really excited and got him my favourite one. Hehe. He looked so nice in it. <3 It's one of those grey Jack Wills ones; it's like my baby - I got it for Christmas and it came in a proper box with a ribbon!!!! Very exciting present. <-- irrelevant but nice bit of trivia for you :-D
   Hehe...I kept inching my leg closer to his under the table, without him noticing until they were touching...I dunno sounds kinda stupid but my heart was pounding in my chest.
   And then possibly the best thing ever happened. Literally thought I had just died and gone to heaven.
He got a call on his mobile. It was his mum. Apparently, his sister had gone out to her boyfriends house and his mum and dad wanted to go to the pub (ya know, to have some "adult time"), but that meant that they would have a glass of wine and therefore couldn't drive. She was calling to see whether he wanted to come home then (at like 7) where he would be home alone, to which he said no, he was "having fun." So she suggested that, provided that it was ok with my mum (lol, as if she is the responsible one!) it was fine if Mattie wanted to stay the night....OMG I LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. If it had been a film, I would have fainted. :P Lol. Ok, maybe not but still I was very excited. Apparently he had all his stuff with him and I could lend him a shirt for school, so it was no biggy at all. I have a four season sleeping bag, which he could use - no problems there and within ten minutes it was all sorted. He was staying over. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Part of our conversation went like this...thought I'd share it because it was just so cute.

---

Mattie: Hey Felix, you sure that it's ok for me to stay?
Felix: Yeah sure thing! No problem. (in a pretend posh voice) We are very grateful that the young sir has chosen our fine establishment to stay in tonight....
Mattie: (in an equally false posh voice) Why thank you my good man. It is a pleasure to spend this evening with you.

---

Lol and then I think he blushed...I couldn't tell but I think he did. We then spent the next 10 minutes at least pretending we were from Eton. AND THEN he laughs at one of my terrible jokes (and it was terrible) so hard that he snorts! OMG. He seemed so embarrassed but it was so cute - I just wanted to pinch his cheek. 

He was just so easy to talk to.

We get on so well.

*sigh* 

TO BE CONTINUED....

Felix xxx

PS. I know I am going into quite a lot of detail but it just feels so good to write it down. It makes things seem more real to me. Sorry if these posts are really long or boring and don't really have a point to them. I just like writing. <3 

L'amour

You know when you fall into one of those deep, romantic, dreamy moods?.....well that's where I am right now...*sigh* I can't wait for Monday.

Also. Unfortunately I only caught bits of it...but the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST was on tonight. UK were...erm shit. :P Har Har. Never really been much of a Blue fan, if I'm honest.
Now, Moldova on the other hand! Wowza. Who knew garden gnomes could play instruments...or ride unicycles for that matter!? Seriously though....were they on drugs? I think it quite probable.
Well done Azerbaijan, though! They were good, although the lead singers were a bit flirty...hehe. Just goes to show that everyone loves a bit of romance.

Bacci,
Felix xxx

Who likes short shorts?

Morning all,

Today is Saturday, the best day of the week! It means a lie-in, no school (although I quite enjoy lessons, its the twats I don't miss on the weekend!) and slobbing in my jim-jams.
I meant to post last night but blogger has gone a bit crazy for the past couple of days....apparently they had some data corruption or something and it stopped blogger from functioning propery. Bad times!
Yesterday was an interesting day really. A girl in our year came out as a lesbian o.O
But the best thing was, she came and spoke to me for ages at lunchtime about it. She said she was really impressed by my attitude and it was because of me that she felt comfortable coming out!!!! :O
Lol, it was really sad :P
We sat on a bench in the little wooded bit we have near the rugby pitch. People go there to have sex and to smoke :P lol. Thankfully none of that was happening. But we ate our lunch and chatted and cried together. It was lovely. I hope she is prepared for the haters...
But then again, maybe it will be easier for her, because I'm already out. I hope so. Claire is such a nice girl, I really hope she doesn't get too much shit for it.
Then after school I had another play rehearsal with *sigh* Mattie. Went well. It was a scene before my entrance so I just sat and watched. I think it will be quite a good (if not cheesy) play.
Also something that I'm still grinning at is that Mattie is coming over to my house after school on Monday! EEP. He asked his mum about it on Thursday and because his sister and I are good friends it was apparently, "no problem at all." I CAN'T WAIT!

However although my day was good, my evening left a lot to be desired.
Mum went out and didn't come back last night. I got home to find a note attached to the fridge,
"Felix,
Gone out with some friends. Be back tomorrow.
Be good,
Mum."
So it was just Aaron and I last night. I cooked some pasta (which was very yummy, I must say :P ) and then we went to the park for a couple of hours to play football. That was nice.

Because it was Friday, I let Aaron stay up late and we watched a film lol, "Gamer," with Gerard Butler and a really cute boy, who played, "Percy Jackson," in "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief." He was fit as! Haha. Don't think Aaron liked it because of him, rather for the copious amounts of violence! Lol. He is such a boy.
Anyway. Today I am having a lazy day. Aaron is off into town to meet up with "some friends." I think it is a girl. Hehe. I expect mum to be back around 1pm with a stonking hangover. That will be fun. Wish me luck dealing with her and her post-night-out destructive moods. :S
Anyway. Ciao for now and for apparent reason, other than the fact that I like them, here are some pics of boys in short shorts (actually thanks to underlicious.net for inspiring this picture selection!)

Hehe. Thought I would go a bit vintage today :P And if only the lads I knew would wear shorts THAT short...that would be...erm. YUMMY.
Har Har Har.
Bis später,

Felix x

The Boy #2

Right. So had another drama rehearsal today with Matthew! He is seriously like the cutest thing ever! He has to play this boy who is quite shy and timid at the start but grows and eventually tells this amazing story and wins over the bully. Inspirational really.
I was inspired and this evening, whilst procrastinating and NOT doing my English homework. Bloody short stories are doing my head in. The poetry analysis = great. I can deal with that because it engages me. These short stories we have to read though. UGH. Talk about dry.
Anyway. I started doodling, thinking about Matthew in the play and came up with actually quite a cute drawing.  I thought I would share it with you guys. Thank the Lord for Iphones with good photo editing software!! I had to turn to other alternatives because my camera lead has mysteriously grown legs and wandered off.....

I never really appreciated manga/anime until recently when Aaron started watching something called, "Fullmetal Alchemist," on the Internet. Now I have to say that I really like it, especially the style in which they draw boys. I just find them so cute. Lol, secretly I am 12 year old girl inside. ;) hehe
Anyway, Mattie does look a little like this, although a bit younger, same hair though (although more Bieberish) and I don't think I have the shape of his face quite right....on second thought : Mattie doesn't look much like this drawing at all....lol. Still. Cute though :)
Har Har. Yeah I think Mattie is deffo gay, at least I hope he is / really really want him to be. We chatted a lot and I hugged him when we said goodbye and he just smiled at me and said, "Hasta Leugo Felix!" - He does Spanish where I do German and boy was it cute. Well, I thought my heart was just going to melt on the spot. *crosses fingers*  I really like him.
He is also coming over to my house sometime next week to learn lines.  EEP I can't wait. His sister, one of my good friends, thinks I will be a good role model for him. -- Love you Georgia! :) And to be honest, we really do need to learn the lines. Apparently according to our drama teacher, we are already about a week behind schedule, although we have only been rehearsing for two weeks. :/  I don't even know when the play is....good start eh?!

Yarp. So all good in the land of Felix today thanks to Mattie <3
Hasta Luego,
Felix x

The Boy #1

I've met this boy. He is a year younger than me but is lovely. I think he is gay. We sometimes talk at school. He is the brother of one of my friends. I don't know whether she would like it if we went out, although she is convinced he, "bats for your team, Felix." <---- An expression I find slightly annoying, yet amusing.
His name is Matthew and he has blue eyes and really dark brown, Bieber hair. So cute.
He seems quite interesting as well. He plays chess and sings in the choir and is considered a bit of a geek by the fourth years (ie. Year 10s). Which, if I'm being honest is perfect. I too, am considered a bit of a geek and not to mention a "queer," so there are certain social groups I can't or rather am not allowed to spend time with. Mainly the LADS - those apish boys who play rugby.
The hockey lads are kinda in that group, but they have to talk to me when we go to away matches and things, yet they make a point to not talk to me too much, lest I infect them with my GAY GERMS!
Anyway. Mattie and I have both been cast for the summer play, "Sparkleshark." He has the lead and I unfortunately have to play the boy who loves himself, the bully. Which is a role I do not relish. However, if I can pull it off does that mean I am good actor??  :)
However what it does mean is that I have to be horrible to him, on stage anyway! I'll make it up somehow though!  We do however get to spend a lot of time together. I suggested the other day that we should learn our lines together and he seemed really up for it....who knows. It might lead to something....

I'll keep you updated,

Felix x