"Does this mean I'm mental?"

As I in my previous but one post, I went to see a counselor yesterday. I suppose that's why I decided to post again after having not posted for ages.
Following what happened with mum, I have been really down and kinda lost interest in lots of things. I have been grumpy and lol sometimes I even annoy myself with how grumpy I am! Lol, i spoke to a teacher at school and she said it was probably a good idea to see someone and with what social services said. So off i popped yesterday. Auntie Julie took me, lol and we went for pizza afterwards as well.

The counselor's name is Anne and she was really nice and easy to talk to. We chatted about lots of things but mainly how i was feeling and how i feel with mum and everything.
Lol we played some game things (things to psychologically read my mind or something!!!! :S ) Lol but it turns out im suffering from some depression and a bit of anxiety :S not all the time. When im happy im alright, but when im down i get really down, she said it was a "coping mechanism" that i use to push everything down really deep and not look at it, so i can help mum and deal with her transferred pressure. But then when it comes to the surface its quite powerful. She said thats what happens sometimes. :S Something about suppression or something. Lol i think the stress of everything kinda got to me. :S But i feel ok today. Hopefully talking to her and working on some of the things she told me will help somewhat. I hope so. The good thing is she didnt think i needed medication, not yet at least. lol. It did ask her when she "diagnosed" me with being depressed, "Does this mean im mental?" and she just laughed and said that it was understandable after everything I've gone through, apparently. Lol. I liked her.

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In other news....me and Mattie have been spending quite a lot of time together and although it turns out he is not actually gay, (i think he is bi) and we arn't really going out, we are becoming really really close. I <3 it. I've slept around his house as well and we kissed again lol. I don't even care about him becoming my boyfriend as long as I can spend time with him! :) 

Also I've been having GCSE exams over the past couple weeks as well. Urgh, they have gone quite well on the whole, but with all this stuff it has been hard to find time to properly revise. I have a maths one tomorrow. :S Oh god. Granted, I am quite good at maths, but i really can't be arseddddd to have to sit through a 2 hour paper, doing algebra and shit. Meh. Lol I'd rather just spend time with Mattie! :P 

Anyway. I think thats brought you guys up to whats been going on the past couple of weeks. 

Much love as always,

Felix xx

♥ I love you Ronan Parke ♥

First let me say that I have literally fallen in love with Ronan Parke. Seriously is there anyone cuter on the entire planet?
Absolutely gutted that he didn't win Britain's Got Talent and it was an absolute farce that Jai did. Lol, he wasnt even in my top 5 from the final. Anyway, lol I said he should have won and I think he will show everyone how successful he really is gonna be. Anyway here are his semi-final and final performances, just because I <3 him!

Anyway. I read on the interweb that he is gonna recieve a £1million recording contract with Simon Cowell!! : ) Woop woop. I will wait with bated breath for his album and a world tour! :) 

Much Love,

Felix xx

And the tides change...

It’s been ages since I last posted. Sorry for not blogging more – I most certainly wanted to. Recently life has been hard.

It all started a couple of days after Mattie came round – the 3^rd part of which I need to put up here..lol I’ll do that in a bit. You guys may get several posts all at once, lol.
Anyway, mum had a particularly bad night and got scared by something – I was actually asleep, cuz it was around 3am. She thinks that someone is in the house and before getting me, calls the police in a panic, saying that she has been attacked…seriously don’t know what was going in her wine-filled head…
I wake up to the sound of sirens and someone knocking on my door. My room faces the road and there were flashing lights. I run downstairs to find mum hysterical and a police man in my living room trying to understand what was going on. I thought the worst.

He then starts asks me questions about if someone has been in the house. Did I hear anything? Did I see anything? Am I ok? Blah blah blah. I was so confused and a bit scared. Mum appears to have calmed down by this point. But something spooks her. :S She starts really crying. The policeman was really nice and called a college in to deal with mum so he could talk to me some more. We went and had a cup of tea. He then begins asking me so many questions about everything. About mum, about her feelings about what happens. It was all really surreal. He is lovely though and really comforting. I feel as though I should talk to him and we chat for a while. I tell him about how things get hard sometimes and he asks how I deal with that and I say “I just do,” and embarrassingly I start crying :S. Lol he gives a big hug and I felt better.
But mum hadn’t finished the drama. She suddenly runs into the kitchen, quite hysterical and is chatting some real odd things but then goes to one of the drawers and grabs a knife and puts it to her wrist and says that she is going to do it. I was so scared. FML. I was really crying now. I’ve never seen her go so crazy.

Luckily the policewoman calmed mum down enough to grab the knife off of her. I really thought she was going to do it too.  :’( But once the policewoman had the knife off her, mum kinda slumped onto the floor, and cried for ages. The police officers stayed for ages. Lol I know nothing about police protocol but I thought that they would’ve had to have gone before they did. It was really comforting to have them there. Aaron was still a sleep, bless his little cotton socks. Thank goodness. He is only 11…I don’t think he should have to have seen that.

Then the policeman asked if there were any other family members that lived round us. So we called my Auntie Julie round. She is lovely and really cool. The policeman said it would be good for her to be there and he and the policewoman spoke to her in the kitchen with mum whilst I was sent back to bed. Needless to say,  I didn’t really sleep much that night. :S

Subsequently mum has started going to see a therapist. Auntie Julie has arranged it all and has kinda moved in, she likes to know what’s going on. It’s been really nice having her round the house and I have spent a lot of time with friends recently.

Apparently after meetings with social services (although not to take us kids away! – lol apparently social services do more than that!!! Who knew?) it was recommended that I see a counsellor too. I had my first appointment yesterday. Will let u know how it all went in a bizzle. 

Much love,

Felix xxx

The Boy #3.2 - The Kiss

Sorry for the delay between posts, I have had a crazy week (will post about that later) but here is the rest of what happened on Monday of this week with Mattie <3

Where had we got to? Oh yeah...lol we were pretending that we went to Eton. :P It must've been around like 8.30 - 9 at this point so we went and watched Glee. Aaron is not really a fan so went off to play on his Xbox or whatever, so it was just Mattie and I. 

We sat next to each other on the sofa, watching Glee (I have BARE love for Glee, literally wish that my school was like that, firstly more accepting but more so that people would just burst into camp songs like all the time!! - Alas don't think its gonna happen, although I can imagine Ethan wearing lycra for some reason - LOL) So we were just sitting there, and I was building up courage. He could've sat in one of the small arm chairs we have in our sitting room, but he sat really close to me on the sofa. 

I decided (about half way through Glee) that I would try something, that if it went tits up I could pretend it was a joke:

I pretended to yawn and raised my arms (in that classic move) and put them round his shoulders. He looked at me -- my heart pounding -- and smiled, leaning in to rest his head on my shoulder!! OMG it was just perfect. We sat like that for a long time, me casually stroking his back ^_^ 

We then had a conversation that went like this (more or less) 

M: Hey Felix? 

F: Yeah? 

M: You know you like boys...

F: Yeah....

M: Well have you ever kissed one? 

F: Erm, once. But that kinda ended badly. Do you remember me telling you about Ethan? 

M: Oh. Yeah. I remember. 

F: Why do you ask? 

M: I dunno, just wondered that's all. 

F: (deffo interested now!!) Oh right. Hehe, have you ever kissed a boy....or a girl, for that matter? 

M: Yeah I've kissed some girls, never kissed a boy though. 

F: Oh right. 

--

Then there was this silence for what seemed like ETERNITY - was probably only about two minutes or so. But I was debating what to do. I mean the way that Mattie was talking and the fact that I still had my arm around him and he seemed to be snuggling right up <3 kinda gave me the encouragement that I needed.

I nudged him gently, and he looked up at me and then possible the most amazing thing ever happened. 

I kissed him. 

And he kissed me back!!! 

It wasn't like a full make out session, but it wasn't just a peck on the lips either! It was a proper kiss. My first proper kiss with a boy, and it was with Matthew. I am still in shock. Lol, don't wanna sound clichéd but I definitely saw fireworks. 

F: Now you have kissed a boy....

M: Yeah, (he laughs) I guess I have (he properly hugged me then) Thanks Felix. 

F: Lol, what for? 

M: Just felt nice that's all.

I didn't want to push my luck or anything and not believing I just had my first kiss, we just sat there and cuddled for ages. Mattie actually fell asleep on me :/ Lol. He snored softly. **sigh** 

When mum got back at around 11 however, he had woken up and we were just chatting about school and things. He told me about the girl he had gone out with a few weeks before, but she was really boring and just wanted him to touch her O.O I know right?! Talk about being pressured into things. So apparently, he made some offhand comment about her being slightly on the chubby side, "fat thighs" I think was what he said and amazingly she dumped him. Lol, I never realised he had such a cheeky streak about him! 

Mum came home, absolutely wasted as per and it was really embarrassing actually because she only goes and CHUNDERS all over the kitchen floor before she could get to the toilet. URGH. I don't know how much she had been drinking, but obviously quite a lot - I think she and her friends must've started straight after work (5pm) and drunk for a good 5 hours solid before she came home - I still don't know whether she walked or was dropped off...amazingly she can't remember. 

ANYWAY.  I end up having to clear up her chunder, whilst Mattie bless him, offers to help and gets mum a glass of cold water and helps her into a chair in the dining room. Thankfully we have laminate floors otherwise it would have been a horrible job cleaning up her vom...

He is such a star, really, looking after mum and all that. Eventually when I have cleaned up and everything, we manage to get her up to bed, where I have to help her get into her nightie….talk about embarrassing.. I did sent Mattie away before he saw my mum in the nud….would’ve just been way too embarrassing. He seemed remarkably cool about it all. (lol, this is probs WAY too much information for you guys, but hey ho)

It was close to midnight now and I for one was very tired, so we got into our jammies and I got my sleeping bag out for him.

To be continued...

Stay tuned,

Felix <3 xxx

The Boy #3.1 - Beginnings

   Hi there everyone. Hope you are all ok :)
   [[[aside - so this post isn't HUGE I have split it into two parts]]]
   This post is all about the Boy (ie. Mattie). He came round to my house last night after school, so we could work on some lines together and so I could help him with some homework and stuff. We left school and took the bus home and laughed at all the....erm....eccentrics. There was this one guy who had those, "ear-stretching" disc things in his ears. YUK. They were horrible, his earlobes must have been at least triple the size. It was quite weird! Then there was this woman chatting loudly on her phone about her divorce...apparently the husband cheated on her with a floosy from his work! o.O I know right. Mattie and I just looked at each other and laughed!!
   We got back to my house and found Aaron playing Pokemon. Thankfully Mattie used to play Pokemon as well, so chatted to Aaron while I started the dinner. Lol, literally I am like a DOMESTIC GODDESS. We had pasta with wilted spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. *sigh* was so tasty.
   It was around 5:30 at this point (Mattie stayed after school for his singing rehersal/practice/thing) and mum still wasn't home.
   Mattie and Aaron hit it off right away and I found that they had moved on to playing Fifa on Aaron's Xbox - a game I am completely hopeless at. Anyhooo. After dinner Mattie and I spent some time learning lines. I'll admit now, that I couldn't really concentrate very much. He was so cute and kept smiling at me with such a cheeky grin I just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go *blush*
   I kinda wanted to talk about my feelings for him, but I didn't want to come on too strong / put him off forever / scare him...and after all that shit with Ethan, I am definitely more wary about showing my feelings for people, but Mattie is so sweet and obviously knows that I'm gay - how can you not at my school!? But I still didn't know whether he was straight / bi / gay / trans (well, not trans but you get the idea).So the fact that he always seems so comfortable around me kinda made me hopeful.
   Mum got in at 11pm (having been out with her friends - on a Monday?! Jeesh. She does my head in sometimes) Aaron bless him, had already done his homework before Mattie and I got home. I felt kinda bad for making him stay at home on his own for a bit, but he is 11 and I have made sure he knows how to look after himself and everything, so I wasn't worried. It was just the three of us in the house. Tres quiet.
   Mattie and I giggled together and chatted whilst I helped him with some homework - some Science, English and I tried to help with the maths but it was clear that he really didn't need my help - clever chap this Matthew!!
   Although he had forgotten to bring a hoodie or a cardigan to wear and my house can get a bit cold sometimes, especially since our boiler is...erm iffy to say the least. So he asked if he could borrow something. Lol, I got really excited and got him my favourite one. Hehe. He looked so nice in it. <3 It's one of those grey Jack Wills ones; it's like my baby - I got it for Christmas and it came in a proper box with a ribbon!!!! Very exciting present. <-- irrelevant but nice bit of trivia for you :-D
   Hehe...I kept inching my leg closer to his under the table, without him noticing until they were touching...I dunno sounds kinda stupid but my heart was pounding in my chest.
   And then possibly the best thing ever happened. Literally thought I had just died and gone to heaven.
He got a call on his mobile. It was his mum. Apparently, his sister had gone out to her boyfriends house and his mum and dad wanted to go to the pub (ya know, to have some "adult time"), but that meant that they would have a glass of wine and therefore couldn't drive. She was calling to see whether he wanted to come home then (at like 7) where he would be home alone, to which he said no, he was "having fun." So she suggested that, provided that it was ok with my mum (lol, as if she is the responsible one!) it was fine if Mattie wanted to stay the night....OMG I LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. If it had been a film, I would have fainted. :P Lol. Ok, maybe not but still I was very excited. Apparently he had all his stuff with him and I could lend him a shirt for school, so it was no biggy at all. I have a four season sleeping bag, which he could use - no problems there and within ten minutes it was all sorted. He was staying over. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Part of our conversation went like this...thought I'd share it because it was just so cute.

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Mattie: Hey Felix, you sure that it's ok for me to stay?
Felix: Yeah sure thing! No problem. (in a pretend posh voice) We are very grateful that the young sir has chosen our fine establishment to stay in tonight....
Mattie: (in an equally false posh voice) Why thank you my good man. It is a pleasure to spend this evening with you.

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Lol and then I think he blushed...I couldn't tell but I think he did. We then spent the next 10 minutes at least pretending we were from Eton. AND THEN he laughs at one of my terrible jokes (and it was terrible) so hard that he snorts! OMG. He seemed so embarrassed but it was so cute - I just wanted to pinch his cheek. 

He was just so easy to talk to.

We get on so well.

*sigh* 

TO BE CONTINUED....

Felix xxx

PS. I know I am going into quite a lot of detail but it just feels so good to write it down. It makes things seem more real to me. Sorry if these posts are really long or boring and don't really have a point to them. I just like writing. <3 

The Adventures of Merlin #1

Hi. My name is Merlin.
I was found in an old drawer and Felix and I hit it off right away :)

My favourite colour is red....just like my scarf.

I <3 Percy lots and lots.

Well, that's me. 

See you soon,

Merlin ^-^

L'amour

You know when you fall into one of those deep, romantic, dreamy moods?.....well that's where I am right now...*sigh* I can't wait for Monday.

Also. Unfortunately I only caught bits of it...but the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST was on tonight. UK were...erm shit. :P Har Har. Never really been much of a Blue fan, if I'm honest.
Now, Moldova on the other hand! Wowza. Who knew garden gnomes could play instruments...or ride unicycles for that matter!? Seriously though....were they on drugs? I think it quite probable.
Well done Azerbaijan, though! They were good, although the lead singers were a bit flirty...hehe. Just goes to show that everyone loves a bit of romance.

Bacci,
Felix xxx