"Does this mean I'm mental?"

As I in my previous but one post, I went to see a counselor yesterday. I suppose that's why I decided to post again after having not posted for ages.
Following what happened with mum, I have been really down and kinda lost interest in lots of things. I have been grumpy and lol sometimes I even annoy myself with how grumpy I am! Lol, i spoke to a teacher at school and she said it was probably a good idea to see someone and with what social services said. So off i popped yesterday. Auntie Julie took me, lol and we went for pizza afterwards as well.

The counselor's name is Anne and she was really nice and easy to talk to. We chatted about lots of things but mainly how i was feeling and how i feel with mum and everything.
Lol we played some game things (things to psychologically read my mind or something!!!! :S ) Lol but it turns out im suffering from some depression and a bit of anxiety :S not all the time. When im happy im alright, but when im down i get really down, she said it was a "coping mechanism" that i use to push everything down really deep and not look at it, so i can help mum and deal with her transferred pressure. But then when it comes to the surface its quite powerful. She said thats what happens sometimes. :S Something about suppression or something. Lol i think the stress of everything kinda got to me. :S But i feel ok today. Hopefully talking to her and working on some of the things she told me will help somewhat. I hope so. The good thing is she didnt think i needed medication, not yet at least. lol. It did ask her when she "diagnosed" me with being depressed, "Does this mean im mental?" and she just laughed and said that it was understandable after everything I've gone through, apparently. Lol. I liked her.

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In other news....me and Mattie have been spending quite a lot of time together and although it turns out he is not actually gay, (i think he is bi) and we arn't really going out, we are becoming really really close. I <3 it. I've slept around his house as well and we kissed again lol. I don't even care about him becoming my boyfriend as long as I can spend time with him! :) 

Also I've been having GCSE exams over the past couple weeks as well. Urgh, they have gone quite well on the whole, but with all this stuff it has been hard to find time to properly revise. I have a maths one tomorrow. :S Oh god. Granted, I am quite good at maths, but i really can't be arseddddd to have to sit through a 2 hour paper, doing algebra and shit. Meh. Lol I'd rather just spend time with Mattie! :P 

Anyway. I think thats brought you guys up to whats been going on the past couple of weeks. 

Much love as always,

Felix xx

♥ I love you Ronan Parke ♥

First let me say that I have literally fallen in love with Ronan Parke. Seriously is there anyone cuter on the entire planet?
Absolutely gutted that he didn't win Britain's Got Talent and it was an absolute farce that Jai did. Lol, he wasnt even in my top 5 from the final. Anyway, lol I said he should have won and I think he will show everyone how successful he really is gonna be. Anyway here are his semi-final and final performances, just because I <3 him!

Anyway. I read on the interweb that he is gonna recieve a £1million recording contract with Simon Cowell!! : ) Woop woop. I will wait with bated breath for his album and a world tour! :) 

Much Love,

Felix xx

And the tides change...

It’s been ages since I last posted. Sorry for not blogging more – I most certainly wanted to. Recently life has been hard.

It all started a couple of days after Mattie came round – the 3^rd part of which I need to put up here..lol I’ll do that in a bit. You guys may get several posts all at once, lol.
Anyway, mum had a particularly bad night and got scared by something – I was actually asleep, cuz it was around 3am. She thinks that someone is in the house and before getting me, calls the police in a panic, saying that she has been attacked…seriously don’t know what was going in her wine-filled head…
I wake up to the sound of sirens and someone knocking on my door. My room faces the road and there were flashing lights. I run downstairs to find mum hysterical and a police man in my living room trying to understand what was going on. I thought the worst.

He then starts asks me questions about if someone has been in the house. Did I hear anything? Did I see anything? Am I ok? Blah blah blah. I was so confused and a bit scared. Mum appears to have calmed down by this point. But something spooks her. :S She starts really crying. The policeman was really nice and called a college in to deal with mum so he could talk to me some more. We went and had a cup of tea. He then begins asking me so many questions about everything. About mum, about her feelings about what happens. It was all really surreal. He is lovely though and really comforting. I feel as though I should talk to him and we chat for a while. I tell him about how things get hard sometimes and he asks how I deal with that and I say “I just do,” and embarrassingly I start crying :S. Lol he gives a big hug and I felt better.
But mum hadn’t finished the drama. She suddenly runs into the kitchen, quite hysterical and is chatting some real odd things but then goes to one of the drawers and grabs a knife and puts it to her wrist and says that she is going to do it. I was so scared. FML. I was really crying now. I’ve never seen her go so crazy.

Luckily the policewoman calmed mum down enough to grab the knife off of her. I really thought she was going to do it too.  :’( But once the policewoman had the knife off her, mum kinda slumped onto the floor, and cried for ages. The police officers stayed for ages. Lol I know nothing about police protocol but I thought that they would’ve had to have gone before they did. It was really comforting to have them there. Aaron was still a sleep, bless his little cotton socks. Thank goodness. He is only 11…I don’t think he should have to have seen that.

Then the policeman asked if there were any other family members that lived round us. So we called my Auntie Julie round. She is lovely and really cool. The policeman said it would be good for her to be there and he and the policewoman spoke to her in the kitchen with mum whilst I was sent back to bed. Needless to say,  I didn’t really sleep much that night. :S

Subsequently mum has started going to see a therapist. Auntie Julie has arranged it all and has kinda moved in, she likes to know what’s going on. It’s been really nice having her round the house and I have spent a lot of time with friends recently.

Apparently after meetings with social services (although not to take us kids away! – lol apparently social services do more than that!!! Who knew?) it was recommended that I see a counsellor too. I had my first appointment yesterday. Will let u know how it all went in a bizzle. 

Much love,

Felix xxx